my aquarius ass thought i was heaven's protagonist.

& i thought God sent the haters

I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I just know I want to talk about this because it’s really on brand for an Aquarius—always seeing the world as a social science experiment.

When I was a child, my mom told me “God made you special”. That’s a pretty wholesome and classic thing for a mom to say. But my Aquarius ass rebranded this. “God made me special. I am apart of something bigger—a secret experiment.” And just like that, I was launched into a spiral of spiritual delusion, light paranoia, and main character syndrome. Everyone else was in on the experiment, but God didn’t want me to know.

From there, everything started to make sense to me. I was connecting dots that probably weren’t there, and seeing messages that didn’t exist. Everyone who came into my life was carefully placed there for a reason—to test me. God wanted to observe how I would react to things, who I trusted, and what kind of person I was. For what reason? I had no idea. But I knew I couldn’t let anyone find out that I’d figured it out—not even God. This was undercover work and I was deeply invested.

In my world, my teachers weren’t hired by the district. They were assigned by God. I thought the nice one’s were angels. They were there to protect me, help me learn, and give me safety. They made me love school and learning. The mean one’s were also from God, but their role was different. Their job was to test me. So still, I was a good student, because I still believed I was being observed carefully and constantly.

When a classmate was mean to me my feelings would be hurt for a second, then I’d pause and remind myself that they were just following orders. They didn’t want to actually be mean to me. It wasn’t their fault, they just had a role in this experiment. I wanted to be kind to everyone as a child, so it was hard for me to wrap my head around mean people. I didn’t understand why you would choose to hurt someone’s feelings. So to cope with that confusion, I guess I created a different reality in my head—one where meanness was assigned, not chosen.

I think I just needed the world to make sense. I couldn’t change reality, so I gave it structure. and honestly? Peak Aquarius sun, Capricorn moon behavior.

Seeing life as a social science experiment.

Turning emotions into data.

Searching for meaning in the things that didn’t make sense.

And honestly…I find myself doing this even now.

Reading too far into things.

Assigning depth to things that probably meant nothing.

Making excuses for peoples bad behavior, because turning it into something meaningful felt better than facing the fact that they were just unkind.

That’s really all I have to offer. If you’re wondering what the point of this post was—I’m right there with you. There’s no grand conclusion, I just wanted to invite you into my little Aquarius brain. Enjoy <3